In my life, I have seen a lot of things, lived through a lot of bullshit, and dealt with assholes and good for nothing people and I have learned a lot. I think that there are things that we need in our lives, to make us feel complete. I’m sure they are different for everyone, but as a majority I’m sure we all seek a lot of the same things out of life. I think that love and companionship are a big piece of the puzzle we call life. We need it to feel complete. In my case, I have the love and companionship, but I feel that big chunks of the relationship are missing. You need to build a relationship. I’m sure that there is love at first sight.
But, you still will need to get to know that person and build a relationship. I am 24 years old, just turned 24 a few days ago. I have what I call my step kids; they’re my boy friends children. I have never given birth to children, never seriously considered having kids. I had decided a few years ago that I didn’t plan on getting pregnant at any point in my life. But sometimes life turns out a lot different than you had expected it to be. I ended up with 4 children I care for and do everything humanly possible to keep them happy and safe. It may be strange to some people that I could take on the responsibility and care of 4 children that are not mine by blood, although it is not to me.
I have been sacrificing everything in return for the happiness of others for what I would say is the better part of 7 years now. I have always tried to do everything to make the ones I love happy, secure and feel loved. It always took its toll on my own happiness. Regardless of how happy I have made others I still feel a piece of me does not allow me to be 100% happy. Just about 99%. I have come to the realization that we need the building of a relationship to feel fulfilled, to feel complete. I unfortunately did not have that time with my boyfriend of 3 years now. I think that start of the relationship should just be 2 people. We did not have that. We have always had our lives revolving around the kids. I’ve moved twice in the past 2 years for them.
I did not get that initial time where the only thing that matters is one person. Where you breathe each other’s air. Where you could spend hours, days, even weeks alone with the person you love, and it would feel like minutes. Those times where it seems like time stops, and it feels as if you’re the only 2 people in the world. Where you become intimate, and it’s no longer a sexual feeling or lust, but a connection of 2 beings. And nothing in the entire world could go wrong, because as long as you have that person next to you, everything will be okay. I did not get to fully enjoy those time, They were always cut short.
I feel that those moments, although they may seem meaningless to some, don’t let me feel complete in some aspects. I feel we didn’t have that “alone” period in our relationship. We always had so many things to worry about because of the children. We still do everything for them. Their biological mother is not in the picture at this point and has not been for some time now. It’s hard to find time for a relationship with such a busy schedule. Taking care of children between the ages of 11 and 5 can be very, very time consuming and difficult at times. I would never change anything about our lives, but I do with we would have had the chance to just enjoy “ourselves”.
I think we didn’t have 100% of the enjoyment that childless couples have. So just to end this rant, I just want to point out to everyone, that you should enjoy your relationships, especially before you consider having children. Our when dating or considering a relationship with a person who has children. I never had a chance to consider children. Ha-ha. I inherited them as Ian tells me. And it made our relationship move forward many steps. None of which I would ever take back. But a piece of me will always wonder what it would have been like. We are very happy and in love now, we enjoy every minute we spend together alone or as a family, but I still just wonder “what if….”